Family Forum, 23rd
October 2004, National Baha’i Centre
Intercultural Families – The
Challenges and Opportunities
An inspiring conference took place in the National Baha’i Centre on Burlington Road in Dublin in October. David and Kim Douglas were invited from the United States to talk about their experience as an intercultural family, as well as other experiences and insights related to racial harmony. David spoke in the morning and Kim in the afternoon. There were two workshops held on the day – also in the morning and afternoon. The morning talk and workshop concerned the opportunities and benefits of intercultural families, while the afternoon talk and workshop concerned the challenges. Deep understandings were conveyed by David and Kim, as well as from participants from more than 15 cultural backgrounds, who all live with and deeply understand both the challenges and the opportunities.
1.
Strength in Diversity – Benefits of Intercultural Marriage
Mr. Douglas first spoke about how greetings
convey so much about respect and spiritual understanding. He mentioned how in Swaziland they say Sow-bow-Nah, which he
said means “I see you. I see you as you
are. I don’t see you through the veils
of stereotypes. I see you as an individual a human being.” Another greeting
David learned from a young Indian boy
in a school where he worked was Nameste – my soul greats your soul – a meeting of spirits at the deepest
level.
He spoke of his multiracial background – European, African, and Native American. Even so he is simply called “black”. He told of the difficulties that his parents endured, at a time when it was against the law in 27 states for them to be married. He indicated that fear of change was a major factor behind racism, and yet change is the only constant as society evolves. It is clear we are becoming a racially mixed world community, and need to face this reality.
Mr. Douglas discussed the benefits of
intercultural marriages, which were broadly categorised in three ways: 1) the synergy of cultural blending, 2) the
power of overcoming prejudice and racism at the family level, and 3) the
transforming influence intercultural marriages have on our society.
Cultural blending is a completely natural process, although it has only happened to a limited degree in the past, when cultures did not so readily interact due to poor transport and communications systems. He indicated that studies now show the value of intercultural endeavours. He said that the University of Michigan, one of the finest educational institutions in America fought a legal battle before the United State Supreme Court for the right to include diversity as one of the admissions criteria. The university was joined in its fight to retain the diversity criterion by more than 300 organizations, including universities, faculty and more than 13,900 law students across the country; over 63 Fortune 500 corporations; the largest labour unions in the country, the largest educational organization; the American Bar Association and the Association of American Medical Colleges; dozens of civil rights and religious organizations; 23 states, many members of Congress and more than two dozen high-ranking military and civilian defence officials. The arguments of these organizations included the following:
• Diversity creates stronger companies
• Diversity stimulates an open, robust and
creative exchange of ideas
• Diversity imparts invaluable education and
social benefits
• Diversity increases cross-cultural competency
• Diversity gives us the advantage of being able
to understand how others think and function
• A diverse environment gives us the skills to cross racial divides
He discussed how an intercultural family forces
immediate and extended family members to face their prejudices. This internal examining and correction
probably wouldn’t otherwise occur. When
“one of them” becomes “one of us”, old mental models of how society is
organised are challenged. David told us
that Martin
Luther King once said, “Men hate each other because they fear each other, they
fear each other because they don’t know each other. They don’t know each other because they are often separate from
each other”. Intercultural families help
us to get to know each other on a deeply intimate level. On this level the notion of “them and us”
disappears.
People who have intercultural marriages become strong advocates for the oneness of the human race. They will not be silent in a conversation where racial slurs are being used or even hinted at, even if not in relation to a family member. He told us that in 1957 a Gallup poll in the USA indicated that 95% of adults were opposed to interracial marriage, whereas in 2004 another Gallup poll showed that 70% of adults in the USA now don’t object to interracial marriage. Minds and hearts are in fact changing on this issue.
He concluded saying “I often hear comments
about the beauty of inter-ethnic children. Their
features
have a unique quality of beauty that is very striking. Yet the real beauty of
these children is their inner beauty. It comes from their intercultural
heritage. They are the harbingers of a
new global civilization that will be characterized by unity in diversity – a
new
world
culture that will be infinite in its variety and has all of the delectable
flavours of civilizations from around the world. The cross-cultural knowledge and skills of multi-ethnic children
can bring peace, unity and strength to our fragmented and war-torn world. The choice is ours. We can reject all of the wonderful
possibilities that these children and families have to offer or we can accept
them and hasten the day when mankind will live as one human family.”
A
workshop then followed concerning the benefits of intercultural marriage. The opportunities
perceived by the participants can be divided into four broad categories: promotion of intercultural understanding,
enrichment of the predominant culture, advantages for children, and the
promotion of stronger family life.
It was perceived that an intercultural family physically represents the fundamental fact that we are only one race – the human race. Intercultural families demonstrate the possibility of achieving unity in diversity. They, by their very existence, educate Irish society and reduce the fear of the unknown.
Intercultural families create a more intimate understanding between the two cultures involved, thereby reducing prejudice and nationalism. Prejudice is usually the result of ignorance. Intercultural families promote the reduction of prejudice internally and with friends. Children of intercultural families are often able to influence prejudiced adults in the wider society more effectively than adults.
The partner of the minority culture gets to show the culture at large the best of his/her culture as he/she mixes with his/her partner’s friends and family. To be an “ambassador” for your race through your partner is a great opportunity to reduce prejudice.
Friends are sometimes challenged and awakened by your intercultural marriage, and may lead them to consider such an idea, whereas without your marriage they would not have considered intercultural union. An intercultural marriage demonstrates that the heart is something that cannot be controlled by the norms of society.
The partner belonging to the predominant culture becomes more acutely aware of the norms of that society, where prejudice can be subtle. An intercultural marriage forces the partners to confront their own prejudices
Participants suggested that the intimate interaction of cultures resulting from intercultural families can bring about an enrichment, for example, of the music and literature of both cultures within the family. Differences of habit, ways of approaching and understanding the challenges of life, etc. that were once thought of as differences that might cause division, become seen as opportunities for a beneficial broadening of approach.
The partner of the minority culture is often given the social freedom to be different and behave in ways that are new and enlightening for the dominant culture.
As a family you no longer can blindly follow the rules of either culture. You change or disregard the rules that need not apply, taking the good from each culture.
It was felt that children of intercultural families have the opportunity to become intimately familiar with both cultures, e.g. they might become bilingual. They are also possibly stronger mentally and have stronger constitutions than those of a mono-cultural background. The challenges they face make them stronger.
Children of intercultural families break down prejudices in a natural way with their friends of other backgrounds during the crucial younger years. Children of intercultural families tend to be less prejudiced, as they don’t belong exclusively to any one race. They are “world citizens” who empathise with the entire human race rather than hiding behind a particular racial background and viewing those of other backgrounds with fear. Children of intercultural families tend to transcend cultural or national pride, which can cause problems when taken to the extreme.
It was perceived that being part of an intercultural family requires choices to be made (as opposed to a traditional approach, where choices are made for you), and this active managing of the family’s future results in better choices being made. Families think “out of the box” by necessity. There is active discussion about the children’s education, religious upbringing, etc.
The challenges of an intercultural family strengthen the family bonds, and the challenges of intercultural marriage can increase the resolve of the partners to make their marriage work.
Their different backgrounds can encourage greater openness and communication between husband and wife, as there are more issues to discuss.
After lunch Mrs. Douglas spoke eloquently, with her talk mainly focused on the challenges she and her husband had faced in their intercultural marriage. She explained, often with humour, of how her parents only gradually got used to the idea that she had chosen someone of a different race for her life partner. She had known the story of David’s parents and their challenges, and felt this would smooth the way for her marriage. However this proved to be wrong.
Mrs. Douglas told us that marriage is hard work, and when the dimension of different cultures is added, it becomes even more challenging. Her father had a particular problem with her wanting to marry a “black” man. He said “He’s by far the finest man you’ve brought home,” and then added, “It’s too bad that he’s black.” Eventually he relented, and they have been happily married for 15 years.
Kim explained the differences between prejudice and racism, and personal and institutional discrimination. Prejudice means to prejudge. We classify to make some order out of the chaos of existence. However, when scientists started to classify human beings and make judgments about people based on their physical features, myth was born. Faulty science created racial and ethnic categories. More recently scientists have corrected this early faulty science and established that there is one race—the human race. We are 97% genetically the same. Yet wars persist. Ethnic cleansing occurs. People and institutions continue to judge and treat others based on stereotypes and perceptions that continue to exist and impact the quality of people’s lives. When we make prejudgments about one another based on race, ethnicity, gender, religion, or other information we receive about someone before getting to know him or her, that is prejudice. When prejudicial thoughts get turned into action, when others are treated differently because of their skin colour or ethnicity, then we are dealing with discrimination. Racism or discrimination involve behaviours and actions towards others. Personal prejudice and racism are carried out among individuals. Insensitive responses from others, often loaded with stereotypes are a form of personal prejudice, as are resistance, stares, and uninvited responses and analyses from others. Institutional prejudice or racism, however, is a system of advantages and disadvantages based on race and ethnicity, embedded in the very fabric of society and the institutions that makeup that society – the government, the educational system, the religious institutions, the media, the workplace, the healthcare systems, and the family.
During the course of their married life, Kim has come to understand her own prejudices, and has become more committed to rooting them out. She said “Suffice it to say, that I have a heart and mind that is need of purification. I’m continually weeding my own heart. The task is endless. There is a lot to disinherit. The hard work is certainly worth it. I believe that if we all focused on purifying our own souls, we could have a very different world.”
While resistance to our cross-cultural unions and family lives is one challenge, Kim indicated that yet another involves our children and their questions regarding their identities. Prior to her marriage, she had heard stories from individuals who were in interracial marriages. One of her friends shared that her daughter came home from first grade and went into the washroom and started washing her arms with a wash cloth. She asked her why she was scrubbing so hard. Her response was that she wanted to wash off her skin.
Realizing this before she had children made her eager to provide multi-cultural toys and dolls for her children. Both of her daughters have read storybooks written by writers of various ethnicities. They have read books that discusses the beauty of our physical differences. They understand skin colour is a result of the amount of melanin in one’s skin.
Mrs. Douglas discussed her interactions with teachers and schools regarding the need to face up to racial prejudice, showing great empathy toward overworked teachers and school officials. She also talked about the prejudice that David was subject to in the workplace, which resulted in them more than once having to change jobs and move house. She found that she was even more outraged than David. He had already learned from his parents that you couldn’t afford to be angry about racism or you’d be angry all the time. He made the decision that when he felt angry about particular injustices he experiences or observes to channel that energy into working for change. Although society and its institutions are making progress she has also learned how much work there is yet to do
A workshop then followed concerning the challenges of intercultural marriage. It was noted that it is often easier in general to focus on the challenges than the opportunities. Society is presently spiritually impoverished, and poor standards of behaviour and general ignorance of proper morals exacerbates racism. Time and pain and sacrifice are required to move humanity toward a world society. Today’s interracial marriage partners are “pioneers” in that sense, and their sacrifices will hasten the day when intercultural marriage is taken as normal. The challenges facing intercultural marriages can be classified as external (i.e. outside of the marriage) and internal.
It was felt that safety issues for intercultural partners and their children must be carefully monitored. Physical danger can be preceded by ugly looks, verbal abuse and spitting.
Discrimination in employment, both in getting jobs and in progressing within jobs, is a significant issue. Poor job prospects can strain a marriage. Even something as simple as not having a common name can lead to discrimination.
Discrimination in educational opportunities for your children is another challenge. Competition for places in schools at a high level, and people of non-Irish cultures can be at a disadvantage.
There is undoubtedly a silent majority who want to see intercultural marriages succeed. How does one assist that silent majority to be more outwardly supportive? How does one appropriately bring the issues of racism into the public eye to be dealt with? More “pro” (as opposed to “anti”) groups are needed for supporting intercultural families.
A common challenge is in the area of communication. Language and gestures can mean one thing in one culture and something else in another. The formalities of interaction can be different, for example physical contact may be welcome in one culture and not in another.
Intercultural marriages must often deal with immigration issues for one or both of the partners.
It is a fact that partners in intercultural marriages often don’t have a shared history/background (education, culture, values). Therefore your partner may not know “where you are coming from”. For example he/she might not be able to initially understand why you might find certain things offensive and vice versa.
Difference in cultural values can take time to blend. It is necessary to be patient and detached, to be willing to learn from mistakes, to be willing to compromise and to sacrifice your own ideas at times.
The children of intercultural marriages must face issues that they otherwise would not. Raising intercultural children can be a great challenge. For example it is a challenge to impart to your children the truth about racism, and to build their own self esteem in the face of racism. The fostering of your children’s identity can also be a challenge. For example your child may wish in vain to see somebody who looks like her/him to relate to.
It is difficult to be able to relate to what you’re children are going through in school and in their other social interaction, possibly having not gone through it yourself, and especially if you are from a different culture.
Recognising and acknowledging your own prejudices can be difficult. It is natural to fight back in the face of prejudice, and difficult to remain open and not retreat into a defensive shell.
Often one of the partners in an intercultural marriage ends up living in the other partner’s culture. It requires good communication and understanding.
3. Conclusions
The undoubted challenges of intercultural marriage, both within and without the marriage, are more than offset by the benefits. When we recognise that trials are the cause of spiritual development, and that the function of this life is that development of our souls to prepare us for eternal life in the world of the spirit, we see that these challenges can also be blessings.
It is clear that society is destined to evolve into one where diversity is finally recognised as natural, and something to be treasured – for diversity brings value to society in the many ways discussed during the conference. Nothing worthwhile is achieved without sacrifice, and society is in deep debt to those who have played a pioneering role in the evolution of the human race by being a part of an interracial family.